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We all know who Lt. Commander Data from Star Trek: The Next Generation is, and most of us take him to be a pretty serious minded android. The installation of Data's emotion chip produced a profound effect on his behavior.  An ex-girlfriend owned a cardboard cutout of Data, and one weekend when she was out of town before we started dating (this was 1995, folks), a group of us took Data out on the town to show him a good time. Data kept a log, and sent letters to Monica chronicling his adventures. Available for your perusal are Data's Adventures!


Before we get started, however, here are a few pictures my friend Mr. Aaron P. Wittener and I took with Data on one occasion when I "kidnapped" him from Monica. In this first picture, Mr. Wittener is proudly posing in his bathrobe with Data. What has he to fear? Data's phaser will protect him because androids rarely miss!


I, too, have nothing to fear with Data guarding me!  Yes, bravery is cheap when you're hanging out with a phaser-carrying android.  Shoot your hearts out, NRA freaks!


When the plasma starts firing, Mr. Wittener cowers behind Data for protection.



It is unwise to poke fun at or molest Data, for he will be forced to stun you, as he is doing to me in this picture.  People always ask, "What the hell is that?"  Obviously, it is supposed to be a phaser beam as Data stuns me, but when you're a poor college student making a web page, the special effects budget is usually scant, and simulating futuristic weapons fire is difficult and usually not convincing.  But back to the original question, "What's that cheesy phaser beam made of?"  It's a stack of Styrofoam cups.  Impromptu special effects at their best!



After being repeatedly molested and locked up in a solitary room by Monica, Lt. Commander Data decided to grab the nearest phaser and make a run for it. Data is about to board the elevator in the dormitory, and thus make good his escape!


When the elevator doors opened, Data found himself in the dorm's recreation room. Data sometimes looks a little lost when he sees an odd human behavior and doesn't comprehend it, so after dumbly watching a few ping pong games, the local sharks decided to give him the "privilege" of playing with them... for a $50 wager, of course! Data made good use of his superior reflexes and won 3 games (7-0) before his sharkish opponents realized they had been duped by a machine!


Ping pong is more intense than it looks - significant force is required to send that 5 gram ping pong ball bouncing across the table. A few games will overheat an android's servos and make beads of silicone sweat run down its forehead. Data uses Zest™ to prevent that nasty soap scum buildup on his body. We respectfully declined when he asked if we wanted to join him.


Even in the future, clothes get dirty... luckily, Data always brings along an extra uniform!  For those stubborn 24th Century stains, we found Tide™ laundry detergent works best.


Punk ass, sore loser ping pongers! While his arms were full of laundry, they mugged Data and stole back his ping pong winnings. The bandits left him gagged in a forgotten corner of the recreation room. It took several hours to find him.

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Email that dude.