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Enlightenment Given Me By My Kidney Stone

If you have a kidney stone, want to know more about your condition, and/or don't appreciate my humor, click here for the links page.

If you want to view a short list of facts about kidney stones that I have compiled, click here.

If you want to read the letters I have received about the Nephrolithiasis (aka Kidney Stone) Page™ (anonymonized, of course!) or obtain the email addresses of other kidney stone sufferers who have expressed their willingness to converse with other sufferers, click here.

Skip it and give us the pictures! Let me tell you about kidney stones. Let me tell you all you'll ever need to know about them.

1.) Kidney stone personalities--

Human language is at its descriptive best when using analogies; humans are big into mental images. And since humans are people, the best analogies deal with personification, because humans understand humans better than anything else. This is a shaky understanding at best, and shows just how little humans know about anything at all.

a.) * -- "mean, prickly, unshaven bastard" This, as fate would have it, is the most common kidney stone type, usually indicating an easily remedied problem, i.e., dehydration. Also very painful, some blood, and slow to pass. This is the kidney stone that gave me the equivalent of labor pains for 3 hours unrelenting -- I'd have my tubes tied now, if I were a woman.

b.) @ -- "lobotomized roommate" The rare kidney stone; smooth, easy going, and great to get along with. Unfortunately, these tell a tale of a physiology wracked with serious problems; these tend to be packages sent with "deepest regards" by the thyroid gland.

2.) Kidney stone diplomacy--

Fighting your enemy can be destructive, especially if 1.) they've hit you below the belt and 2.) gotten you where it counts. Kidney stones manage both points by their very nature, easily. Therefore, the Good Doctor (a.k.a. Biological United Nations) will assist you with disaster relief aid.

a.) "Demerol," or some variant thereof. A powerful narcotic opium-derivative pain killer. Nothing stronger is available in pill form. In fact, there are only 3 drugs that surpass Demerol's pain killing effects: Morphine, Heroin, and Quaaludes. So why not act like so many countries receiving aid, and put the gift into use? Be "recreational" while you can! But remember -- you've still gotta pass that stone! Use sparingly.

b.) A "Strainer," allowing you to take prisoners and present them before the B.U.N. (Biological United Nations) when the enemy is finally extradited from your "premises." The B.U.N. subjects the enemy to extensive psychological evaluation to determine its exact personality (q.v.). This helps the B.U.N. to make peace and prevent additional hostilities.

c.) A "Chinese Philosophy," utilizing the ways of a "Peaceful Warrior" to silently conquer your enemy: Eat fried pecans daily. This is actual Chinese medicine given to me by more than one Chinese friend. This beats the alternative treatment. . . (follows)

d.) "B.U.S. (Biological United States) intervention." FULL SCALE WAR, with your body as the battlefield! YEA! Something the size of a McDonald'sŪ soda straw is invasively inserted in a place that is best left uninvaded, as far as I am concerned. The enemy is crushed, and you are left to your own devices in removal of the enemy, which is still sent to the B.U.N. in a strainer (q.v.). There is some recovery time involved before the invadee can make any political "moves." This method is used when the B.U.N. doesn't believe in certain Chinese Philosophies (q.v.) or the "Pecans of Buddha" fail you -- bad karma, perhaps?

And that's all you'll ever need to know about kidney stones, from formation to deportation. Take this Ultimate Knowledge with you, my children, and be fruitful with it.

Go home.

Click here to see pictures of my kidney stones.