It is an honor to be selected as the 1996 World Wide Web Wanker of the Year. When I created the web page in August '95, I had no idea that it might someday reach the plateau of Wanker-ness that it has today. My excitement over hearing about the award is so great that my genitals are threatening to suck up into my abdominal cavity.
For today I am no longer just a wanker with a fly-by-night webpage. Today I am the Wanker of the Internet realm, the stuff that sub-wankers would call "Cyberspace." In the future, I will have to take care to avoid splashing passing net-surfers with careless Wanking and set an example for those after me to follow.
This achievement would not have been possible without the following people, organizations and objects that are the force behind my cause and that have crafted me into what I am today.
This has been one of the happiest moments of my life and I will long remember it. I look forward to soon holding my genuine hand-crafted oak paddle with Father Spanky's signature in my hands as a permanent momento of this momentous occasion.
- The loyal members of the Wittener Imperial Network (WIN) and other devoted minions too numerous to name here who answered my urgent plea for help and launched an email campaign to get the page selected. Send email for information about the WIN, visit the archives after January 12, 1997 or the partially completed WIN homepage today.
- My dear mother and one of her ovaries for the ovum that became me. If it hadn't been for that egg, I would have been reabsorbed or worse yet, spilled on the dusty ground.
- Squid heads, aka Calamari.
- The public education system of the state of Kentucky because, despite its many faults during my childhood and adolescence, it gave me plenty of time in school with nothing to do but hone my eccentricity.
- Finally, and most importantly, my treasured kidney stone for crystallizing in my right kidney and dislodging itself that fateful summer. I have never known such pain and agony, but I wouldn't trade the experience for anything. I love you, my little nephrolithiatic crystal.